A Bitter Spiral
by Hmiana
Summary: This story follows Civil War and focuses on the quick decline of Steve Rogers. He can't handle how things ended, and starts to fall apart at the seams. Bucky tries to help, but when he realizes that he isn't making anything better, he has to make a difficult decision to reach out to the last person he expects to help. May be slash in the future, request preference through reviews.


Steve Rogers sat in his room somewhere in Slovakia (their country of hiding at the moment). Bucky hadn't come back yet from combing through the area. After everything that had happened recently, captain America wasn't himself.

He knew something was wrong, but now wasn't the time for him to care for himself. But his interactions with Tony had left a deep impression on his soul. A wound that just felt more painful with each passing day.

He began to have thoughts creeping into his mind about how the world would be better off without him now. How he was no longer an avenger or soldier and how Bucky would be able to take care of himself going forward. The country that Steve knew didn't exist anymore and he felt like neither should he.

Bucky came back to Steve holding his head in his hands.

"Is everything alright?" Bucky said tentatively.

"No, but I don't have much of a way to fix it.." Steve sighed and got up to start finding them some food for the next few weeks.

It was several weeks later that Bucky felt like the severity of Steve's condition was worsening. The soldier in him recognized the small ways in which Steve was falling apart. He wasn't taking care of his appearance as well as usual, and he wasn't eating or sleeping nearly as much as he should.

Bucky found himself on multiple occasions urging him to eat something. The ex captain America had dropped at least ten pounds. The soldier had advanced healing and slowed aging as part of the experimentation on him. However, he wasn't immortal and needed food and water to survive. Bucky was running out of ways to help him though. Every time he asked him how he was feeling, or if he could help in any way, Steve just said not to worry and that everything was fine.

It wasn't until he saw Steve one evening that Bucky had been returning from patrol that he was scared enough to take action. He could see him through the window in the bedroom where he sat at the foot of his bed with a 9 caliber handgun in his lap.

Bucky ran into the house, trying his best to outrun his worst fear. Bucky kicked Steve's bedroom door down and stood in the doorway panting. Steve looked up with surprise etched across his face. Then realization dawned on him when he saw Bucky's heavy breathing and panic-stricken face. He looked at the heavy metal object in his hand and back up to his friend. Steve couldn't hide the guilt suddenly washing over his features.

"Bucky, I wouldn't, I mean I couldn't do something like that," Steve stuttered out.

Bucky looked on with disbelief.

"Honestly, I mean I've just gotten you back, and we may be in a rough situation at the moment, but I have an obligation to you. And maybe in the future I'll be of use again to others," he said with a little more strength to his tone

Bucky still looked doubtful but his breathing finally calmed down. The fear in his eyes lessened a little.

"Steve, I know how you've done so much with me, but you have think of yourself too. You've been an amazing person since I've known you, always thinking of others. Right now, you've just lot touch with so many of your friends and you definitely have every reason to feel anger and sadness. But for me, and I'm sure all of the people in the future you will be helping, you need to take care of yourself." Bucky finished with a hint of pleading to his voice.

The expressions that moved across Steve's face as Bucky was speaking were quick and torn. But he placed the gun back in the drawer nearest the bed.

"Bucky, I wouldn't, don't worry, I'm taking care of myself, I promise. Right now I'm just trying to think of ways to help our situation out, and to make Tony understand that you had no control over the actions you were ordered to do as the Winter Soldier. You really don't have to worry about my mindset though. I took the gun out for a moment and just considered the fear people must experience the moment they die. I was lost in my thoughts, but I won't let it happen again." Steve said.

Bucky took in his words, and then silently nodded. He moved to back away from Steve's doorway and realized he would have to keep a closer eye on his friend. His words seemed innocent enough, but even the fact that he'd been so open about his thought process was jarring to Bucky.

As Steve moved toward the small bag of clothes he had Bucky took that as his cue to leave. He felt a little safer knowing the door had been broken off anyway.

He sent a message that night through the small phone Steve had purchased for him several weeks ago to Sam. He needed to know whether or not Steve had ever sent a phone to Tony as planned, and if Sam had any idea about Tony's perspective on Steve since they had last parted.

'Sam, it's B- I have a question, did TS ever get the phone SR left for him?'

'…'

'Yea, but to my knowledge he just stored it away, why?'

Never one for beating around the bush, Bucky felt like he had to share some of what was going on with Steve so he could figure out what to do. Afterall, he hadn't been with his friend for years and he felt like he didn't know him anymore.

'It's bad S, SR had a gun, he looked like he'd given up, not eating well, lost weight, and I'm not good with this type of a situation. I can't even really understand what his thoughts are currently.'

'…'

The next message came through in several shorter messages.

'This isn't good, I've never seen him like that. I know he's dealt with his share of downs, but I guess he always felt like he had a team behind him, a family of sorts. Now, he is out in the middle of nowhere trying to keep a friend from his past alive, at the cost of nearly every other relationship he has. Even his career and his own identity have fallen, because TS didn't want to support him or back him up. Just try to back him up, I'll be here to keep providing safe regions, but I really hope for all of our sakes that this isn't as bad as it seems and maybe it turns for the better.'

'Agreed, I'll do my best.'

Bucky sighed and put down the phone after deleting the messages. He couldn't believe that in trying to survive, and by Steve helping him, he'd have managed to create such a wedge between the largest and most powerful group on the planet.

He spent the next few days sleeping as minimally as possible trying to listen for anything abnormal from Steve. He followed him with his eyes constantly and always tried to give him something to occupy his mind. Bucky as him for help patrolling, then requested he go into town for food for them sometimes so the people start to recognize Bucky. Of course he'd tail Steve the entire time, but it seemed to take his mind away from the recent events.

They eventually had to relocate again and Bucky started to feel that Steve had just settled into a new normal. That eating and sleeping weren't ever going to be normal again for the ex captain and that he wouldn't truly return to himself unless the circumstances bettered between himself and his teammates. Which just wasn't in the foreseeable future.

Steven continued to drop weight, now he had a permanent five o clock shadow because even when he shaved it wasn't very well. He stopped working out, but his superhuman metabolism kept him lean, far too lean. Bucky wasn't confident how long he could go on like this, but he felt like his genetic engineering may allow him to exceed normal human limits.

He was surprised one day when Steve didn't return from a patrol at the usual time. They'd been on the run for several months now, and he had slowly allowed himself to relax his routine from that terrifying scare a couple of months prior.

He got up from their safe house and kicked himself as he walked through the surrounding woods wondering why he hadn't tailed him that day. The temperatures were below freezing, and Steve barely had enough clothing to last a couple of hours, it had been at least six. He finally saw Steve propped against the base of a tree looking haggard and unconscious. Bucky rushed over to him and shook his shoulder after confirming his pulse. Steve finally opened his eyes and asked why he was there, but Bucky just helped him up and silently supported him back to the safe house. He decided in that moment that he had reached a limit.

His life and safety wasn't worth that of Captain America's, and definitely not Steve's. He was too good of a person to be destroyed because of him.

Steve attempted to explain to Bucky as they got back to the safe house and he set him up in the bed. But Bucky wasn't listening, he knew the signs of exhaustion, and Steve looked worse than some of those in the war. His breathing was shallow, his pallor was terrible, and he seemed as if his cheeks were hollow.

He decided to text the last person he wanted to message.

Going in the dark cramped kitchen of their safe house he pulled out the small phone once again. First, he decided he should text Sam to give him a heads up.

'Hello S, it's B-, situation is worse. I'm going to move separately, and notify TS of SR's location. This is not SR's plan, and he will not be made aware. I will observe from a safe distance and then settle at location 14. Please do not share my location with SR, he will attempt to follow.'

'B-, this doesn't seem like a good idea. I think SR would be extremely upset, but I will continue to support you until TS understands you aren't a threat because I know who you are now, and because I trust SR.'

'Thanks S.'

Now he had to write the harder message.

He knew Tony's phone number to the small mobile, but he would have to move quickly after he messages him so that he can get out of there in time. He went into the room where Steve was sleeping and took his small mobile out of the jacket pocket Steve had it in. Of course it had charge because Steve had always been waiting for the phone call that never came. See, when he left the mobile phone for Tony he had preloaded the phone number into the small mobile, and it was the only number inputted. He also never sent any messages from his own mobile, because they could be traced back to their location. So whenever they communicated with Sam, they did it through 'Bucky's' mobile. He didn't trust their location on the outskirts of Budapest, Hungary to be far enough away from a Stark industries jet driven maniac. So he needed to pack before messaging said maniac.

He gathered the few ammunitions they had left, clothes, and camping supplies into his travel sack. Then he snuck one more thing from Steve's room, an old army photo of the two of them. He knew his friend would never forgive him for this, but he wouldn't be able to forgive himself if he let him fall apart any further.

Time for the message, he didn't want to give away too much information because it really wasn't his place and he didn't know for certain who's hands the phone was in.

'Tony Stark, a teammate of yours at the location of this phone is in need of assistance. It may become a matter or life or death should you not assist. The teammate is unaware of this request, however, it is in his best interest. Possibly, in the best interest of America should he survive. Afterall, he is of more service to the people than he is in protecting me. Please, I cannot replace you.'

His hands shook a little as he placed his finger over the send button. He knew he couldn't come back from this and that he was risking his own life. If Tony was anywhere near their current location, he could get there before he has time to clear the area. But again, it was worth the risk.

He hit send, and then hit the road.

Tony Stark was sitting in his New York office when he heard a small bing. The bing froze him on the spot. He knew he didn't have a ringtone so outdated on any of his current devices and that it could only be the mobile he'd received several months ago from one ex-teammate in particular. He opened up the small drawer of his desk where he kept the little mobile while he was working, and found the screen lit up.

He carefully opened the phone anger filling him each passing moment that he hadn't felt in weeks. All of the memories coming back to him. But as he read the message, the anger left him.

Tony Stark felt one thing in reading the message. Fear.

What could injure Captain America so gravely that the Winter Soldier would be willing to risk his whereabouts to save him.

"Jarvis! Trace this message and triangulate the nearest location, then set the suit to take me there immediately." Stark yelled as he fled his office toward the exit of the building. He had his suit on in a matter of minutes and took to the skies.

While he was flying so many thoughts ran through his head. Was he too late? Could he have somehow prevented this? Was he wrong to have attacked and mistrusted Roger so strongly? Each thought he had, brought him closer to the conclusion that the only person who could've sent that message would have been the Winter Soldier himself. Which somehow worried him even further, because he understood that the message contained obvious worry itself. He pushed the suit to go even faster racing the clock.

When he arrived in a patch of woods on the outskirts of Budapest, Hungary in an unpopulated wooded area he knew he had to be in the right place. He asked Jarvis to scan the area for signs of life. He got only one ping and it was several miles in.

He lowered himself in front of the small shack. It had to be below freezing, and the shack looked dark. He opted to leave his suit on as he wasn't confident what he was walking into. Jarvis had already let him know that it could be a trap of some sort. But, the message felt personally crafted. Either way, he scanned the building and saw only one heat source in the back room. He didn't have to pick the lock as the door was open.

He walked into the dark building and found himself in a small space clearly occupied with small signs of life spread about. A cup on the counter. A man's jacket on the back of a chair. A pair of boots haphazardly lain on the floor. He crept into the hall and found a room at the end where the door was open already. What he saw caught his breath in his chest.

Steve Rogers was laying in the bed with a thin blanket over him curled in on himself. He appeared to be fitfully sleeping at the moment. But what shocked him was his appearance. He had never seen the captain so unkempt. His hair had grown out and was unevenly chopped, along with his facial hair which previously was so meticulously kept he recalled teasing him for it was now grown out slightly creating a dark shadow along his jawline. His face was gaunt, and lacked any color, with deep shadows under his eye. Jarvis spoke into his ear, informing him it was indeed Rogers, and that his vitals appeared unstable. Tony was afraid to step closer. What had made the indestructible soldier appear so ill?

Jarvis reminded him that the captain, no, ex-captain's vitals appeared unstable.

That moved him into action. No matter the past, he felt if he didn't try to save him he would regret it for the rest of his life. He notified Jarvis to send a small unmanned aircraft to help collect him from their Berlin lab. Jarvis let him know it would arrive in less than a half hour.

Tony brought down the face shield of the suit, and then decided against removing his suit entirely until he could fully gauge his status. Then he stepped up to the sleeping figure and delicately placed his hand on his shoulder to wake him, if he could wake him at all.

Steve's eyes fluttered and he slowly seemed to register his surroundings. He startled when he saw Tony in front of him, but then laughed an awkward uncomfortable laugh.

"It's always a dream when you come around, I'll wake up and you won't be here. Although, this is always better than the dreams where you hate me, and fight me until I'm looking at you through blood in my eyes, until you and the suit blur as one…", he took a rattled breath, "yeah, this is definitely better. Are you here in my dreams to listen to me again? I still feel like the world isn't mine anymore, no matter what you tell me. You're right, you always have been, I'm old, I'm a traitor, I can't protect…."

His eyes fell shut again.

Tony was startled by the words, and couldn't process everything he'd just heard. He tried to shake him awake again, but appeared he wouldn't rouse this time. Jarvis chimed letting him know the jet was 15 minutes out.

Tony bundled this foreign Steve into the blanket and lifted him as carefully as possible to take to the jet. The look of guilt an self-hatred that Rogers had on his face as he spoke to Tony was tearing at him to think about. The realization was dawning on him that maybe this wasn't a disease, or illness, but something else entirely. Tony wasn't completely unfamiliar with self-doubt and self-destructive behavior. Rogers had every mark of somebody dealing with a grievous depression. The jet landed a few feet from the entrance and Tony boarded with the captain in his arms.

When he got inside he placed Rogers on a small cot in the back of the aircraft. Then he went to the comm at the front of the jet and dialed a number he thought might have more information despite saying the opposite for months.

"Hello, this is Sam" the flyer said.

"Sam, it's Tony…what have you not told me?" Tony ground out.

"Tony, I don't know what you're tal-"

"You know damn well what I'm talking about, I have a half starved, possibly dying Steve Rogers in the back of my jet and I would really like to know what brought him to this point! You're going to tell me what you know!" Tony yelled.

Sam paused and then with slight disbelief, "he actually messaged you? I can't believe it. All I know is that Bucky messaged me, and no, I won't give you his location, he was a mere pawn of an evil person. He was really worried a few months ago when he found Steve with a gun, and said he had stopped eating and wasn't sleeping well. No matter what he did he couldn't really help him. It seemed like Bucky tried to support him, but Steve's already woken up to a world without friends or family, or even anything familiar once before, and when he finally got that back it cost him everything he had grown to care about in this modern time. I don't think he handled it well Tony. So Bucky messaged me again earlier today and said he was in terrible shape and that he was going to reach out to you because he didn't know what else to do. Even if I had gone to get him, you probably would've had trackers on me anyway so I guess Bucky just skipped the step….How bad is he?"

Tony registered everything he'd just been told and realized he had caused this, and that everything he'd feared as he'd headed to Hungary was reality. The weight of his actions were too much.

"Ugh, he's not great. Jarvis, what's the stats on Rogers currently?" Tony asked and Jarvis came over the comm to report, "Sir, his BMI is at 16.7, he appears malnourished, his respiration rate is rapid, and heart rate is rapid, the sensor you placed on him also shows his blood pressure is dangerously low, he may be dehydrated."

"Shit, Tony, what are you going to do?" Sam asked with tinged with panic.

"I'm taking him back to Stark Tower, I don't want to alarm the other Avengers. I'll get my private doctors to patch him up out of harm's way, and I'll try to see if he's willing to get help once he's conscious. If he wants to leave though I can't really stop him. But, if you're worried about me harming him in anyway or turning him in you don't have to. I think I've done enough damage." Tony finished with a heavy sigh.

"Tony, let me know if I can help in anyway? I'll head to the tower if you don't mind, in case he's willing to see me when he's up." Sam said tentatively aware that Tony could easily say no.

"That's not a bad idea. I'll let my people know to expect you." Tony said.

Then he disconnected the call and headed back to the cot where Steve laid. The jet was slower than his suit and they weren't expected to arrive for another couple of hours. He knew basic first aid and used his time to set up an IV, and check out his limbs and torso for any sign of injury. He found nothing but thin skin stretched too tightly over sinewy limbs. It was going to be a difficult evening if Steve woke up anytime soon because he had no idea what to say.


End file.
